Bad Advice Club


Dear Uncle Hank,


I’m in a bit of a pickle and could really use some advice. A friend of a friend recommended I reach out for a fresh opinion.

 I’m looking to move out of state, Massachusetts is just starting to feel like a prison i’ll never get out of. The trouble is that except for a few spring break vacations in Florida I don't have any experiences outside of the state and I don't know where I should think about moving. 

Where do you think I should go where I can really show people that I'm more than just a pretty face,  a great body, super smart, published suicide girl hopeful?



Dear Hopeful in Charlestown,

 Good news, it sounds like your pickle isn't as tart as you might think. With your qualifications and “published” status there are several Florida like areas where you could thrive. Chicagos South Side comes to mind. It’s stunning how many published status personalities you see wandering the streets. One would think they had nothing else going on instead of simply  loving the ambiance of water adjacent segregation and vice. You'll find that like yourself many of your future colleges will be the naturally creative types, going so far as to adopt a professional nom de plume. You'll be simply overwhelmed by the raw talent of your new frenemies, Amber, Crystal, Diamond, Gold, and Tootsie. People will literally come out of the shadows, money in hand, pleading for your talents. Take this time to really solidify connections. It’s not every day that someone gets approached by no less than five Hollywood producers looking for “artistic” head shots for a big project in development. Take full advantage and say yes to life and the opportunities your new home provides. I expect to hear great things about you in the near future.

 Hope this helps you in your spiral towards greatness.


-Uncle H



Dear Uncle Hank,


I really love coffee. I work long often challenging  hours and I’ve come to depend on the kick it gives me to push through. Recently though my wife has been commenting on how fidgety I am, especially in bed. She's a very light sleeper and as a result I've been spending more nights on the couch to spare her the sleep interruption. I don't think I can get through the day without coffee, but I also don't want to spend my entire marriage sleeping on the couch. Is there a safe alternative to coffee out there that will help save my marriage but still give me the kick I need?



Dear Vibrating in Man-Cave,


Erectile dysfunction can take many forms, from the overt sad banana in a hammock to something closer to your experience, dysfunction by lack of proximity. Often the symptoms go unnoticed because  it may not be directly evident that one thing (coffee) has a relation to the other thing (a failure of hetro-marital obligations).

 While your wife has probably relegated herself to a life of pool boy affairs, for the sake of the country club colleges divorce is out of the question for her. This is a good thing for you as it has afforded you some time to seek alternatives. 

  Perhaps what you need isn't a behavioral alternative, but a physical one? The Japanese have been doing wonderful work in the field of full body restraint. One need only google the medical term “Japanese bondage” for a plethora of research material on the work. I’ve included a helpful link to a reputable medical site,

 What I think you need is a change in approach. Why limit yourself? You're a red-blooded American with a demanding job that the immigrants have yet to steal. You work hard, why shouldn't you be caffeinated hard and still be able to give the old lady a good root without fear of being banished to the couch afterwards? 

 Be the best you that you can be while not compromising on what makes you feel alive. You deserve to be elevated above multilateral compromises. 

 Best wishes Vibrating,