Bad Advice Club

Senior Silly

Dear uncle Hank,

If I wanted to make art my full time job, how do I do it? Is it possible to make a living? I know that's two questions, but I really want to know.

Yours in conscription, - A high school senior

Dear Senior,

We all struggle with the question of future employment from time to time. I remember a period of having to contemplate that question myself dozens of times recently after being consecutively fired a record setting number of times from multiple chik-fil-a franchises within a 11 month span for repeatedly “blessing” the mayonnaise. It does wonders for the character.

The short answer is that it really depends what your definition of “job” is, or for that matter, what your definition of “a living” is. If by “job” you mean performing the artistic equivalent of staring up, a doe-eyed page, at your nobleman/woman, and wiping your mouth while feigning an appreciative smile, then yes, you'll find ample opportunity for work. Provided you have the stomach to keep it down, you may even find yourself on the path to a long career where you’ll be able to “make a living” from the occasional wad of crumpled twenty's thrown your way. As word of your “professionalism” passes from one conscripter to the next they will begin to call upon your services, hopefully one after the next, in quick, impersonal, sweaty succession.

I’m certain a bright young person like you will excel as a professional artist. Just remember to stay eager and to clean up after yourself.

-Uncle Hank

Dear Uncle Hank,

What's the best way to propose marriage to a creative/artsy woman?

- Horny in Bronie-ville

Dear H.I.B,

I’m really excited to have a question like this come across my desk. So often a predicament like this is tackled from the savior

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perspective. The organization, Hand Angels, immediately comes to mind as a main offender our simmering rivalry is due in no small part to this, but I digress. As a certified Christian when it suits my argument, I can’t stress enough the importance of empowering over enabling; fishing over feeding.

What you really want to start with is becoming intimately familiar with the details. Exactly how far away ARE you supposed to remain? Is there specifically a provision that covers electronic communications? What is the exact moment when mandated enforcement is set to expire?

Armed with knowledge you can now begin to woo her with your superior intellect and highly honed skills of perception. It’s well known that the artsy types are drawn, like moths to a flame, to the handcrafted. If it has a personalized touch, then even better. Have you considered mailing self portraits? Preferably on Polaroid so that she has the sense that you are a classic gentleman; an old soul, one unfazed by any technology that isn't derived from a smiths forge or use of isn't covered under the Medieval Knights Code of Conduct and Chivalry handbook. Perhaps a series of Polaroids, say from different regions of the basement bedroom you've traveled. Of course you’ll want to focus emphasis on your impressive collection of fedoras. Possibly a final composition to get a chuckle, say wearing a fedora on top of your homemade Fluttershy costume. Everyone knows that flutter shy doesn't wear a hat. Your love will be laughing for hours over that one. Just spitballing here H.I.B.

Next, after she's gotten a glimpse into your soul and realized what a kind, caring person you are you're going to want to hit her with the other side of your personality, your raw animal magnetism and natural ability to defend m’lady against any and all threats, foreign and domestic. Tagging her in Instagram post documenting your vast collection of ninja weaponry and homemade potato guns is sure to get her attention. Again, just tossing ideas at the wall, you’ll find something that sticks.

Finally, after her heart has turned to goo in your capable caring, thumb calloused hands you're going to want to go in for the kill ( though not literally, that is actually expressly forbidden in the court documents) with a big surprise gesture. Perhaps pay for an

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hour of programming on your local cable access tv station where you can stare confidently into the camera as you read every poem you've ever written for her before lighting the sparklers you've pre- arranged to read “marry me.” I would suggest leaving a whole cake on her doorstep with instructions to watch the airing to ensure her attention. An artsy woman like that wouldn't want to miss one- second of this creative masterpiece.

Here at Bad Advice Club, we always love to hear about people connecting. Warms my heart that I've most certainly laid out the blueprint for a lifelong impact. Write back soon and confirm how much I’ve impacted your life H.I.B.

- Uncle Hank