Dear Uncle Hank,
I spent the last few months working on a commission for a friend of a friend, and now that it's time to deliver the piece and get paid, the buyer is saying they don't want it anymore. How should I handle it? I want my money!
Dear Pudd Pullin’
You’re first mistake was buying into the communist conspiracy of “friendship.” It’s left you holding your junk with no way to get off. Here in America we call it retail and there are some very concrete rules. First and foremost amongst them being that paying up front is non negotiable. Second rule is that “friend of a friend” deals are akin to conspiring directly with deep state operatives and can never be totally reliable. Third and most important rule is that contracts are not only fun to write but also make it incredibly easy to insert specific and hard to decipher mediation requirements via legalese. For example, one could stipulate that failure to follow through with purchase would result in something like adult circumcision. Starting off with something small like that will demonstrate to the client that you mean business while still leaving the door open for repeat business. Should that fail and an escalation of force be deemed necessary, you could always progress to something like the forfeiture of clients first born. While this may come off as an undue burden on your part, lets not forget that young children make excellent servants. They can be fed for pennies a day, they are not old enough to hire lawyers, and should they need to be disposed of they take up very little room in a hasty make shift grave.
In summation Puddin’, I hope you take this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Make the most of it and hopefully you’ll have something in place so brutally ironclad that the mere suggestion of breaching contract is enough to strike fear into the hearts of any who foolishly consider opposing you.
Dear Uncle Hank,
Folks say my art is "too cute" to be good. I don't even know what the hell that means! Is it ever possible for art to be "too cute?”
In a word, No. Who can forget the Samual Butcher work, “Precious Moments: Timmys First Crucifiction” on permanent display at the Louvre. It draws billions per year and has been proven by way of double blind facebook questionnaire to be the main economic force in the region.
“Too Cute” as your obviously uncultured, barbaric, godless critics must say with an air of contempt, is a phrase created out of whole cloth by the liberal media. Personally my favorite art is that which causes me the least amount of crippling self reflection. After a long day of projecting my own feelings of self worth and inadequacy onto others at my day job as customer service rep for Charter Cable there’s nothing I look forward to more than coming home to a cold beer and popping a copy of “Madea’s Family Reunion” into the vcr. I tell you what, those people may not have the character to handle their marijuana but they are natural born entertainers, hand to precious heart.
In my opinion, not having seen your work but rather feeling its essence through the barefaced longing of your question, you haven’t gone cute enough. May I suggest capitalizing on the current popularity of babies by incorporating live specimens into your work. Either as gallery security or art pedestals. Nothing says “salt of the earth” like surrounding yourself in white christian babies.
Hope this helps Precious,