Bad Advice Club

Senior Silly

Dear uncle Hank,

If I wanted to make art my full time job, how do I do it? Is it possible to make a living? I know that's two questions, but I really want to know.

Yours in conscription, - A high school senior

Dear Senior,

We all struggle with the question of future employment from time to time. I remember a period of having to contemplate that question myself dozens of times recently after being consecutively fired a record setting number of times from multiple chik-fil-a franchises within a 11 month span for repeatedly “blessing” the mayonnaise. It does wonders for the character.

The short answer is that it really depends what your definition of “job” is, or for that matter, what your definition of “a living” is. If by “job” you mean performing the artistic equivalent of staring up, a doe-eyed page, at your nobleman/woman, and wiping your mouth while feigning an appreciative smile, then yes, you'll find ample opportunity for work. Provided you have the stomach to keep it down, you may even find yourself on the path to a long career where you’ll be able to “make a living” from the occasional wad of crumpled twenty's thrown your way. As word of your “professionalism” passes from one conscripter to the next they will begin to call upon your services, hopefully one after the next, in quick, impersonal, sweaty succession.

I’m certain a bright young person like you will excel as a professional artist. Just remember to stay eager and to clean up after yourself.

-Uncle Hank

Dear Uncle Hank,

What's the best way to propose marriage to a creative/artsy woman?

- Horny in Bronie-ville

Dear H.I.B,

I’m really excited to have a question like this come across my desk. So often a predicament like this is tackled from the savior

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perspective. The organization, Hand Angels, immediately comes to mind as a main offender our simmering rivalry is due in no small part to this, but I digress. As a certified Christian when it suits my argument, I can’t stress enough the importance of empowering over enabling; fishing over feeding.

What you really want to start with is becoming intimately familiar with the details. Exactly how far away ARE you supposed to remain? Is there specifically a provision that covers electronic communications? What is the exact moment when mandated enforcement is set to expire?

Armed with knowledge you can now begin to woo her with your superior intellect and highly honed skills of perception. It’s well known that the artsy types are drawn, like moths to a flame, to the handcrafted. If it has a personalized touch, then even better. Have you considered mailing self portraits? Preferably on Polaroid so that she has the sense that you are a classic gentleman; an old soul, one unfazed by any technology that isn't derived from a smiths forge or use of isn't covered under the Medieval Knights Code of Conduct and Chivalry handbook. Perhaps a series of Polaroids, say from different regions of the basement bedroom you've traveled. Of course you’ll want to focus emphasis on your impressive collection of fedoras. Possibly a final composition to get a chuckle, say wearing a fedora on top of your homemade Fluttershy costume. Everyone knows that flutter shy doesn't wear a hat. Your love will be laughing for hours over that one. Just spitballing here H.I.B.

Next, after she's gotten a glimpse into your soul and realized what a kind, caring person you are you're going to want to hit her with the other side of your personality, your raw animal magnetism and natural ability to defend m’lady against any and all threats, foreign and domestic. Tagging her in Instagram post documenting your vast collection of ninja weaponry and homemade potato guns is sure to get her attention. Again, just tossing ideas at the wall, you’ll find something that sticks.

Finally, after her heart has turned to goo in your capable caring, thumb calloused hands you're going to want to go in for the kill ( though not literally, that is actually expressly forbidden in the court documents) with a big surprise gesture. Perhaps pay for an

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hour of programming on your local cable access tv station where you can stare confidently into the camera as you read every poem you've ever written for her before lighting the sparklers you've pre- arranged to read “marry me.” I would suggest leaving a whole cake on her doorstep with instructions to watch the airing to ensure her attention. An artsy woman like that wouldn't want to miss one- second of this creative masterpiece.

Here at Bad Advice Club, we always love to hear about people connecting. Warms my heart that I've most certainly laid out the blueprint for a lifelong impact. Write back soon and confirm how much I’ve impacted your life H.I.B.

- Uncle Hank

 

Starving Artist

Dear Uncle Hank,

I'm a starving artist living the gig life. I've recently been fired from my under the table cabinet installation job by my swinger boss because I didn't want to compliment the ass of AND cuckhold his albino German wife. He also wanted to pick up hookers on jobs we had to stay "over night" in hotels. He said I make HIM uncomfortable during the work day. What's my next course of action?

 

 

Dear “Limp in Protest,”

 

I’d like to start by commending you on demanding fair compensation for your cockery (I'm reading between the lines, as any good journalist should) and upholding the sacred oath that cuckolding is an act of dissent and should only be strategically applied in cases where it  bridges cultural AND economic chasms perpetuated by the ruling class and their bourgeois dogs. What your former boss failed to realize is that as an ambassador for the “International Fraternity of Conscientious Cocksmen” you take your responsibilities very seriously. Far too seriously to irresponsibly spill your seed on his yellowed and cigaret charred Ikea shag carpeting.  While the back of a custom designed 1987 Ford Econoline may very well be one of the most romantic settings on earth, it certainly is no place for the level of martyrdom your heroic appendage would be involved in. 

 

 His predilection for the Prostitutic school of political protest can only mean that he has allowed himself to lapse in his personal journey of evolution as a “Woke AF” individual. Had he kept up with his peers he would’ve known that that by the year 2015, that particular school of thought had already been denounced by snapchat committee as too focused on others.   

 

His discomfort around you most certainly stems from his embarrassment, jealousy, and feelings of inadequacy. He is now forced to re-evaluate his own standing in the community of custom sex craftsmen and vintage van aficionados. Is he truly woke? Can he ever again claim that he “cant even” or has he fallen so far behind his peers that he can in fact “even?” Is the van he invested so many Marlboro miles into still the political showpiece he once thought it was? Crushing answers for difficult questions, I’m sure.  

 

 My advice for you is simple. In the immortal words of Nora Ephron, “ Everything is copy.” Write a novel, title it “What the Cuck! My Journey As a Political Dissident.” After it makes the best sellers list sell the movie rights to Disney where it will be reimagined into a new trilogy in the Star Wars universe staring Donald Glover as yourself and Eddie Murphy playing the dual parts of your boss and his German wife.  

 

Hope this helps Limp, let the readers know how this works out for you.

 

 

  • Uncle H 

 

 

Dear Uncle Hank,

 

I live in a great city, have awesome friends, get to do some really amazing things in the creative world and am generally happy with life. There is one small problem though, I live on the first floor of a triple decker, above me lives the landlord, and all day everyday I can clearly and loudly hear him fucking himself. I understand your readers may want to think that I mean he simply masturbates loudly but I assure you all, I mean he actually fucks himself all day. I suppose this wouldn’t be such a huge issue if it didn’t also hinder his interest in being an effective and reliable landlord. 

 

The apartment is plagued with problems. A flea infestation left over from the previous tenant, holes in the ceiling and walls that haven’t been addressed since moving in 5 months ago, mold issues stemming from water damage, and peeling wallpaper are just a few of the issues that his constant and brutal self fucking have kept him from attending to. Whenever I have been able to get his attention away from brutalizing himself sexually long enough to ask him to fix the problems he seems to always have a reason why next week will be a better time to look into it. Our conversations always seem to end in the same way; a vague unbinding commitment to look into it later from him, a few minutes of relative silence from his apartment above, followed by what sounds like a level of animalistic brutality in self love that I feel fortunate to never have experienced.personally.

 

Beyond the health risk and inconvenience it is to me I find that as a compassionate human being I cannot completely turn my heart off to his predicament.  I hear the deep painful sobbing through the ceiling, I see the constant stream of oversized packages from The Amazing Store (amazing.net quick shout out!) left on the front porch for him, I feel the apartment shuddering whenever he (presumably) leaps down onto some device from the top of  his youth sized bunk bed. I cant help but worry that by fucking himself so mercilessly for so long that he is doing irreparable damage to his organs. 

 

Should I attempt to intervene? Do I have a responsibility to inform the authorities that someone may be engaging in activity that may lead to great bodily harm or even death? 

 

Sincerely,

 Outlaw Slumfuck

 

Dear “Outlaw,”

 

Move out immediatly.

Sincerely,

-Uncle H

   

This piece dedicated to Nora Ephron and Jane Jacobs.

Pudd Puller

Uncle Hank 

 

 

Dear Uncle Hank,

I spent the last few months working on a commission for a friend of a friend, and now that it's time to deliver the piece and get paid, the buyer is saying they don't want it anymore.  How should I handle it? I want my money!

 

 

Dear Pudd Pullin’

 

You’re first mistake was buying into the communist conspiracy of “friendship.” It’s left you holding your junk with no way to get off.  Here in America we call it retail and there are some very concrete rules. First and foremost amongst them being that paying up front is non negotiable. Second rule is that “friend of a friend” deals are akin to conspiring directly with deep state operatives and can never be totally reliable. Third and most important rule is that contracts are not only fun to write but also make it incredibly easy to insert specific and hard to decipher mediation requirements via legalese. For example, one could stipulate that failure to follow through with purchase would result in something like adult circumcision. Starting off with something small like that will demonstrate to the client that you mean business while still leaving the door open for repeat business. Should that fail and an escalation of force be deemed necessary, you could always progress to something like the forfeiture of clients first born. While this may come off as an undue burden on your part, lets not forget that young children make excellent servants. They can be fed for pennies a day, they are not old enough to hire lawyers, and should they need to be disposed of they take up very little room in a hasty make shift grave. 

 

In summation Puddin’, I hope you take this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Make the most of it and hopefully you’ll have something in place so brutally ironclad that the mere suggestion of breaching contract is enough to strike fear into the hearts of any who foolishly consider opposing you. 

 

Your Guru,

-U.H   

 

 

 

 

Dear 

 

 

Dear Uncle Hank,

Folks say my art is "too cute" to be good. I don't even know what the hell that means!  Is it ever possible for art to be "too cute?”

 

Dear Precious,

 

In a word, No. Who can forget the Samual Butcher work, “Precious Moments: Timmys First Crucifiction” on permanent display at the Louvre. It draws billions per year and has been proven by way of double blind facebook questionnaire to be the main economic force in the region. 

 

“Too Cute” as your obviously uncultured, barbaric, godless critics must say with an air of contempt, is a phrase created out of whole cloth by the liberal media. Personally my favorite art is that which causes me the least amount of crippling self reflection. After a long day of projecting my own feelings of self worth and inadequacy  onto others at my day job as customer service rep for Charter Cable there’s nothing I look forward to more than coming home to a cold beer and popping a copy of “Madea’s Family Reunion” into the vcr.  I tell you what, those people may not have the character to handle their marijuana but they are natural born entertainers, hand to precious heart. 

 

 In my opinion, not having seen your work but rather feeling its essence through the barefaced longing of your question, you haven’t gone cute enough. May I suggest capitalizing on the current popularity of babies by incorporating live specimens into your work. Either as gallery security or art pedestals. Nothing says “salt of the earth”  like surrounding yourself in white christian babies. 

 

Hope this helps Precious,

- U.H

 

Vibrating

Dear Uncle Hank,

 

I’m in a bit of a pickle and could really use some advice. A friend of a friend recommended I reach out for a fresh opinion.

 I’m looking to move out of state, Massachusetts is just starting to feel like a prison i’ll never get out of. The trouble is that except for a few spring break vacations in Florida I don't have any experiences outside of the state and I don't know where I should think about moving. 

Where do you think I should go where I can really show people that I'm more than just a pretty face,  a great body, super smart, published suicide girl hopeful?

 

 

Dear Hopeful in Charlestown,

 Good news, it sounds like your pickle isn't as tart as you might think. With your qualifications and “published” status there are several Florida like areas where you could thrive. Chicagos South Side comes to mind. It’s stunning how many published status personalities you see wandering the streets. One would think they had nothing else going on instead of simply  loving the ambiance of water adjacent segregation and vice. You'll find that like yourself many of your future colleges will be the naturally creative types, going so far as to adopt a professional nom de plume. You'll be simply overwhelmed by the raw talent of your new frenemies, Amber, Crystal, Diamond, Gold, and Tootsie. People will literally come out of the shadows, money in hand, pleading for your talents. Take this time to really solidify connections. It’s not every day that someone gets approached by no less than five Hollywood producers looking for “artistic” head shots for a big project in development. Take full advantage and say yes to life and the opportunities your new home provides. I expect to hear great things about you in the near future.

 Hope this helps you in your spiral towards greatness.

 

-Uncle H

 

 

Dear Uncle Hank,

 

I really love coffee. I work long often challenging  hours and I’ve come to depend on the kick it gives me to push through. Recently though my wife has been commenting on how fidgety I am, especially in bed. She's a very light sleeper and as a result I've been spending more nights on the couch to spare her the sleep interruption. I don't think I can get through the day without coffee, but I also don't want to spend my entire marriage sleeping on the couch. Is there a safe alternative to coffee out there that will help save my marriage but still give me the kick I need?

 

 

Dear Vibrating in Man-Cave,

 

Erectile dysfunction can take many forms, from the overt sad banana in a hammock to something closer to your experience, dysfunction by lack of proximity. Often the symptoms go unnoticed because  it may not be directly evident that one thing (coffee) has a relation to the other thing (a failure of hetro-marital obligations).

 While your wife has probably relegated herself to a life of pool boy affairs, for the sake of the country club colleges divorce is out of the question for her. This is a good thing for you as it has afforded you some time to seek alternatives. 

  Perhaps what you need isn't a behavioral alternative, but a physical one? The Japanese have been doing wonderful work in the field of full body restraint. One need only google the medical term “Japanese bondage” for a plethora of research material on the work. I’ve included a helpful link to a reputable medical site,  https://www.redtube.com/2285460

 What I think you need is a change in approach. Why limit yourself? You're a red-blooded American with a demanding job that the immigrants have yet to steal. You work hard, why shouldn't you be caffeinated hard and still be able to give the old lady a good root without fear of being banished to the couch afterwards? 

 Be the best you that you can be while not compromising on what makes you feel alive. You deserve to be elevated above multilateral compromises. 

 Best wishes Vibrating,

-uh