Bad Advice Club
A tough time to be sentient. Life has a way of reminding us that most of us just weren't designed to handle the complexities inherent to competent living. Don't fret though. There's no shame in submitting to a higher power when it comes time for the tough questions, namely, all of them. Thats where your old avuncular compatriot, swoops in for the save. How fondly do we each remember our own Svengali uncles and the worldview imposed on our malleable young selves; the warm embrace of our own feckless nature. How often do we wish, in our later years to posses a similar oracle to which we can submit our resignation to? Fear not, I am here to serve. As always, ask away.
Dear Uncle Hank,
I have an interview for a job coming up. It's a position in an office, which I'm not thrilled about, but I need the job (gotta pay rent somehow, right?). Got any tips for a non-traditional looking dude trying to land a job in a pretty traditional company?
Dear Candy Goth in Khaki-Land,
First off, congratulations on finally realizing that your potential can no longer be contained in the fast paced but low ceilinged world of mall retail. I’m sure your 16 year old (15 with work permit) coworkers will undoubtedly feel the void that you leave behind. Only a very select few can lay claim to having memorized every shade and limited edition celebrity variant name of manic panic (I am legally obligated to disclose that this is a shameless product plug as Manic Panic is the exclusive sponsor of Uncle Hanks Bad Advice Column) ever produced, although many have tried to mentally catalogue the entirety of the worlds best and punkest celebrity hair die (cha-ching!)
Things for you are looking up, up, up though. A few things you really must keep in mind when entering the upper entry level world of data entry. First, No one will remember your name, even the barely contained simmering kettle of self loathing and discontent that will be interviewing you is going to forget what your name is mid interview. Might as well be prepared to turn an omen into a positive and role with it. You'll be that much harder to fire if management doesn't actually know your name. Second, attire for your new job will certainly consist entirely of the colors khaki and lighter khaki. I suggest dying your fishnet arm sleeves the same to blend in. Nobody wants to be the weird one at work. Lastly, remember that an industrious worker is a valuable worker. So be sure that within your first week you've taken careful mental note of every possible way to skim money from the top. Really show management how fiscally creative you can be when properly motivated by independently implementing those plans during your tenure. Candy, I’m certain that if you follow my advice, the short road ahead of you will be briefly paved with wealth and happiness. Good luck and keep in touch. (Note: I will not accept collect calls or mail originating from any state or federal facility.)
Dear Uncle hank,
I’m looking to get a new pet. I don’t think I’m a dog or a cat person but I’ve had good experiences with both. What should I do?
Dear Beastie In Boston,
I want to thank you for writing and allowing me the opportunity to discuss a topic of great personal interest to me. As all that have paid attention to this column over the years will attest to, I have quite the affinity for our four legged friends in sexy land. So often I've seen the inhumane agony a single pet household can cause. When there is so much love to give, why be limited to just one unnatural love per household? My suggestion? Get yourself a harem of pets, one of every breed. Fill every nook, cranny, and orifice of your home with love. You'll be sure to have a great time before animal control swoops in.
Best of luck.
Dear Uncle Hank,
Should I have saved myself for marriage? I’ve dated some real turds and I wonder if I shortchanged myself by not holding out for a good one.
Marriage is an antiquated notion, the mechanism of a bygone era used to facilitate the human trafficking of an individual from one overbearing, self serving authority to another. The end result being that it reinforces the power of the state by giving it legal or cultural authority over your relationship. Waiting for marriage is about as helpful as stiffing the mob on a bet. Sure, you might have dreams of beach breezes and sand between your toes while a semblance of your fantasy plays out, but in the end you get fucked face down and buried alive.
Don’t save yourself for marriage, save yourself for someone that isn't a walking pile of hot garbage with testicles. Or better yet, invest in a vibrator and a pair of binoculars. Just because you're in a relationship with the cute neighbor doesn't mean he has to be aware or involved.
Have a problem with life? A dilemma that just can't be demystified? A Psychological minefield that can't seem to be traversed? We suggested seeing and actual professional. However, if you're too cheap for that then do yourself a regrettable favor and Ask Uncle Hank for advice.